When I was in the early, early days of postpartum with Odette, I was gobsmacked by how hard my life had suddenly become. Not because of the very tangible things I could point to — newborn baby, sleep deprivation, extreme pain from nursing — but because I had expected everything to feel instinctive. 

When I imagined having my baby, I had this weird vision, based on nothing. I pictured myself sort of wandering the beach or the woods — some primal, natural place — naked (...?), holding my quiet, calm child, eyes closed while walking (??); so certain of my path in motherhood I didn’t need to rely on, like, seeing…anything. I think I was singing, too… Anyways, what actually happened is that I couldn’t bear to even leave the house. 

My main source of anxiety was breastfeeding. This is the thing, above all other aspects, that I had felt certain I would excel at. In that surreal yet vivid vision outlined above, I was also nursing my baby while singing and walking blindly into the forest.

At first, nursing IRL was a matter of pain. But once the pain part was solved, I realized my greater fear was that I couldn’t even tell if Odette was getting what she needed. I googled “how to tell if newborn getting enough milk” no less than 10 times per day, in various word combinations. In classic internet fashion, there were somehow too many and not enough answers, so I googled again. The little amount of sleep I was getting shrank to almost nothing, I was so paranoid Odette would somehow starve in the night because of my inability to tell whether she was hungry or full. 

Two weeks of this felt, without exaggerating, like one supereon, which according to the internet (previously unhelpful with my nursing queries) is the largest unit of time. So, I decided to go and see my midwife. 

I remember walking into the midwifery practice and feeling desperate. Disconnected and hollow and so unnerved by my inability to successfully feed my child.

Mostly, I felt certain she was about to confirm my failure.

I told her how scared I was that Odette wasn’t getting enough to eat. I was distraught she wasn’t gaining weight like she should be, and I worried she was suffering and unable to tell me. I told her about the googling and how was I supposed to know if she was getting enough to eat? How was I supposed to know if she was still hungry?

My midwife was (generously) not alarmed by any of what I said. Instead, she gently took my hands and rubbed my shoulder. “This is your first opportunity,” she said, “in a lifetime of learning to trust your daughter. She will let you know.” 

Sometimes, something feels more true because it’s exactly what you need to hear. Something about the right time, right place, right person saying the right words in the right tone with the right amount of authority made this feel like the greatest source of truth known to humanity. I made a decision at that moment to let go of my phone. Let go of the hundreds of other possible answers, let go of the idea that some external, nebulous entity knew better than I did, and just trust my daughter, and of course by extension, myself. 

Breastfeeding became what I always wanted it to be: easy and instinctive. Was I doing it naked, walking through the grass? Yes, sometimes yes. Because it was finally so easy. Eyes closed while walking? No, because why.   

Parenting is not as simple as just trusting your daughter. But to me, it represents simplifying a life change (having a baby) that is commonly overcomplicated. (What feels like) 100% of marketing towards new moms feeds off of that fear of the unknown that only another new tool or toy or app can solve. And if it does solve it for others, that’s phenomenal. But it doesn’t work that way for me. And paring back, allllll the way back to instinct-level parenting has guided me and Michael in many other parenting decisions. Bedtime, food choices, toys or lack thereof, screentime or lack thereof, humor, overall watchfulness and monitoring, the list goes on and on but I’ll spare you. 

After tuning into my instincts with breastfeeding (and consequently everything else parenting-wise) I shed a lot of emotional anguish. Exterior influences are always aplenty. And sometimes the right thing to do is ask for less. 

The other thing that happened when I started becoming instinct-forward is that I began having very strong feelings about other areas of my life. Thoughts like, “I hate my job, I feel like I should work in a bakery,” “I hate this job, too… Do I just hate marketing?” or “I want more bread in my life and less screen.” I had some version of these thoughts for about five years. But this year, I did something about it. I wrote a few letters to my favorite bakeries in Amsterdam, truly begging them to hire me — with no prior experience. I tried to incentivize it by romanticizing the 10 years I did spend working in a bakery (my dad’s – nepotism alert!!! – where I was the world’s most moody, teenage employee), and by explaining my desire to leave corporate and enter into Big Bread.

1 rejection, several no reponses, and 4 months passed before I got a “Yes, come in for a trial shift.” That trial shift was the most fun I’ve had working in a decade and became a weekly shift at my favorite bakery in Amsterdam. And let me tell you, time f*cking flies when I’m there: I’m hot, I’m exhilarated, I’m so so satisfied with my final products (I assemble sandwiches and clean dishes just fyi), and I feel the joy of both doing something tactile AND following my intuition, and having it be right. 

I waited a really long time to go for something that I had a strong feeling would make me happier. So, I decided not to wait on anything else I was already sure of. I resigned from my office marketing job, and I do not plan to return. 

Here’s what I’ll be doing instead (after my last day in a month and a half lol): 

• More time with my daughters. They both have a solid enough Dutch language foundation, that I will be pulling them out of daycare/afterschool care for more time together. Not entirely though (because they have extremely cute social lives) and also because…
  

• I am going full freelancer. It turns out the only marketing I like doing is the kind where I have full autonomy over my hours, workspace, and actual thing I’m marketing. I am currently working with this brand (sorry for plug, it won’t happen again!!!!) and I’ve started doing some social media work which brings me to a q for the community….
  

• Do I know anyone who works as a content creator, social media manager, or related? I am curious if you would be interested in a (paid) virtual conversation avec moi. Lmk! In this new phase of life, I’ll also be…
  

• Baking?! …adjacent lol. I am currently a “vliegende keep” at the bakery (direct translation: flying goalkeeper. This language remains clownish at all costs). But I hope I get to keep doing this, maybe doing it more, maybe getting to do more, who knows!

I’m verging on ‘eat-pray-love’ language (cursed), but I hope the lesson is crystal clear: trust your instincts over everything else; facts, science, friends sobbing, begging you to hear reason, just push them away and quit your job and sue any bakery that won’t hire you for not having any experience.

Watch this space! Jk can you imagine. Also, knowing my email cadence, any update could be a supereon away. love you all byeeeeee (me to all jobs) ok I’m done!

Next time, I plan on writing about the rigorous etiquette program I have Ida on. Below is her completing an out-of-the-classroom final exam. Dipping her croissant at 2 years old?? A+!!!