I can’t believe itβ€¦Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ Νβ€Œ 

jk can you imagine. I know about 6 people. Including you, lucky me :)

Topics covered this month: Small town vs. me and my dad’s funeral, vasectomy, a coat I want, untimely pop culture round-up.

Hello! My goal with this letter is to practice writing in a way that doesn’t have a lot of structure, to ironically add some structure to my life as a stay-at-home mom, and to see how it feels to share a more intimate narrative away from social media.

When we moved to Amsterdam, I planned to have my baby and stay home with her for the first year of her life. Now, she is almost 10 months old and I’m feeling a sense of restlessness and a pull to rejoin another kind of workforce. I assumed finding a job would be the easy, final piece to this year of immense transition (international move, having a baby, losing my dad) but honestly LOL at that assumption. While I look for a job, contemplate changing careers, and continue finding a lot of joy in being with my chubby cherub every day, I hope this pen pal cosplay is a fun outlet for us both.

In Popular Culture

Some things I liked, loved, and refused to understand. Editor’s note: These will rarely be topical.

Yay: This interview with Kirsten Dunst where she describes being offered parts exclusively as a β€œsad mom.” Somehow I fear being typecast the same way in the marketing world. Except in my scenario, I just never get hired again. Editor’s note: this is 2/10000 tines I will mention that I haven’t found a job yet.

Yay: My friend Julia recommended Kate Berlant’s Cinnamon in the Wind and much like everything she has ever recommended to me, it became canon immediately.

Yay: All the books I read in Amsterdam are from the many free libraries that dot the neighborhoods. My most recent find is The Hundred Secret Senses by Amy Tan and I love it.

Yay: Mark Ruffalo

Yay: These 4 podcasts I listen to on an infinite loop: Las Culturistas, Who? Weekly, Bitch Sesh, and Poog.

Nay: Without seeing even one moment of the show, I don’t get The Traitors. Should I watch it (since I don’t have a job yet)?

Yay: Without seeing even one moment of the film, I am obsessed with Dune: Part Two.

Michael + Vasectomy

Should he get one?? Readers, weigh in below.

That One Time They Wanted to Have My Dad’s Funeral Without Me

My dad meant a great deal to many people. When he died, the reactions were also many and some, not so great. One response was a push to hold his memorial immediately, before I was able to fly home and be present for it. I was quite sad about this so I wrote the below, at that time, in a huff:

*only-child-voice*

My dad is gone and it’s not fair. He was a brother, uncle, and friend to many but only a dad to me. It turns out in grief, I am the most selfish sponge in the world, soaking up all of my dad’s memory; his beautiful, selfless qualities.

When he died, it felt like everyone wanted a piece of him. A piece of their own to grieve onto, to control and find closure with. And I am no better–– in fact, I am worse––because I want the biggest piece of all. I want all of him to be mine forever. I am an only child that never learned to share.

There’s a deadline for the obituary and impatience with my travel timeline. There are strong opinions and I don’t care about any of them. In my toddler-coded tantrum, I feel righteous superiority in wanting things done my way. What would my dad say about all this. β€œBrigie, who cares? Let people do what they want.” 

Conjuring up his hypothetical chill demeanor does not satiate the sadness that swallows me whole. Nothing short of my dad being spun back up and wrapping his gentle, ghostly arms around me, his only child, will satisfy my anguish.

Editor’s Note: All’s well that ends well. I will be flying home to celebrate my dad in August.

Digital Wallet Slideshow

Now that’s what I call musi--Even more photos of my children that you haven’t seen yet. These are the deep cuts.

A Running List of Things I Want to Get Myself Once I Find a Job

Not sure if you guys know this, but I don’t have a job. If I ever find one, here’s how I plan to celebrate:

Kiwi (My friend Nienke is behind the design! She continues to hold the standard of unattainable Dutch coolness to me.)

White Cable Knit Sweater (the one pictured is from NYN Vintage)

Long Black Wool Coat

Fancy Dinner

Ending my journey of being pregnant and/or breastfeeding for three and a half plus years

Favorite Recent Thrift Finds

A Love Poem I Found in My Notes App

I dream of cloth, of streams of silk 

bolts of fabric, layers upon layers. 

Sweet dreams of denim and velvet, interrupted by

tacky terrycloth nightmares.

You are amongst them, threaded to my well worn heart,

lounging in soft cotton, knitted brow. 

All the others were poly blends and not the right fit but

I wake to the familiar linen of my pillow, the warmth of wool, to your cool skin––

the best texture my hands could find. 

Top 3 of reasons I miss my friend Julia right now:

  • She has an otherworldly, spot-on set of vocabulary for describing anything. She always uses an adjective I would have never thought of to describe an outfit, the energy in a particular house, a flavor of food, an emotional response…It’s a skill and/or personality trait that I love about her.

  • Our friendship did not change when I became a mom, in the best way. She made room for my kids and my new routines and somehow made everything feel familiar and fun.

  • The way she translates astrology into a compelling rationale for the why and how.

Next time I plan to write about rewatching Sex and The City for the 300th time (including some outfits that are positively buck like Miranda wearing a MENSA t-shirt while scolding her cleaning lady..?? see below), Ida’s intense entrance into the world and why I’m convinced it’s linked to my dad, and godwilling…an update on my job search.

 

Thank you for reading xoxo

Piet Gijzenbrugstraat
Amsterdam 1059XE
Netherlands

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